Domestic Abuse
What is Domestic Abuse?
Domestic Abuse (sometimes known as Domestic Violence) is an incident or pattern of incidents where someone’s behaviour towards another is abusive, and where the people involved are aged 16 or over and are, or have been, personally connected to each other. Domestic abuse can involve:
- physical or sexual abuse;
- violent or threatening behaviour;
- controlling or coercive behaviour;
- economic abuse;
- psychological, emotional or other abuse.
Who is affected:
Domestic abuse can take many different forms
- Physical abuse: can include pushing, hitting, punching, kicking, choking and using weapons.
- Verbal abuse: the use of harsh or insulting language directed at a person. You might be called names or be constantly put down by your partner.
- Psychological abuse: when someone is subjected or exposed to a situation that can result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, depression or post-traumatic stress disorder.
- Sexual abuse: when someone is forced or pressured to have sex without their consent (rape), unwanted sexual activity, touching, groping or being made to watch pornography.
- Economic abuse: when someone restricts another person's ability to acquire, use and maintain money.
- Controlling and coercive behaviour: forms of emotional abuse. They often go together, but are slightly different.
Here you will find some questions that might be helpful to assist you to recognise domestic abuse in your own relationship. If you answer yes to any of the questions, you might be in an abusive relationship or experiencing domestic abuse.
Emotional abuse
Does your partner or someone you live with ever:
- belittle you, or put you down?
- blame you for the abuse or arguments?
- deny that abuse is happening, or downplay it?
- isolate you from your family and friends?
- stop you going to college or work?
- make unreasonable demands for your attention?
- accuse you of flirting or having affairs?
- tell you what to wear, who to see, where to go, and what to think?
- control your money, or not give you enough money to buy food or other essential things?
- monitor your social media profiles, share photos or videos of you without your consent or use GPS locators to know where you are?
Threats and intimidation
Does your partner or someone you live with ever:
- threaten to hurt or kill you?
- destroy things that belong to you?
- stand over you, or invade your personal space?
- threaten to kill themselves or any children connected to either of you?
- read your emails, texts or letters?
- harass or follow you?
Physical abuse
The person abusing you may hurt you in a number of ways.
Does your partner or someone you live with ever:
- slap, hit or punch you?
- push or shove you?
- bite or kick you?
- burn you?
- choke you or hold you down?
- throw things?
Sexual abuse
Sexual abuse can happen to anyone.
Does your partner or someone you live with ever:
- touch you in a way you do not want to be touched?
- make unwanted sexual demands?
- hurt you during sex?
- pressure you to have sex?
- pressure you to have unsafe sex – for example, not using a condom?
If anyone has sex with you when you do not want to, this is rape. It is still rape if that person is your partner.
- Have you ever felt afraid of your partner?
- Have you ever changed your behaviour because you're afraid of what your partner might do?
Physical and sexual assaults are not the only methods that abusers use to control the person they are abusing. Some other methods used by abusers are shown on this power and control wheel.
Myth: If it was that bad, the person being abused would leave.
Fact: Leaving an abusive relationship can be extremely difficult. There are many barriers to ending a relationship with an abusive partner, including; safety - the victim may be frightened for their life or for the safety of their children if they leave or attempt to leave. Lack of self-confidence - imagine being told repeatedly that you are worthless and the impact that would have on your self-esteem. Abusers often make victims feel that they would not manage on their own. Denial - the victim may convince themselves that the abuse “is not that bad”. Hope - the victim may believe their partner when they say the abuse won’t happen again. Isolation - abusers often isolate victims from their friends and family or take away their financial independence. Intimidation - a victim may be intimidated into staying in a relationship by threats. These can be verbal and physical and can be directed towards the victim themselves or children, pets, close relatives or friends. Shame - it can be difficult for someone to admit that they’ve been, or are being, abused. Shame is often a powerful barrier for victims. Love - a victim may still love their partner, despite the abuse.
To discover more reasons why people stay in abusive relationships, please visit the Women’s Aid website.
Myth: Only women experience domestic abuse.
Fact: Although domestic abuse is most commonly perpetrated against women, it can affect anyone regardless of gender, sexual orientation, religion, race, or age. It can affect people from any background and of any level of education.
Myth: Domestic abuse isn’t that common.
Fact: According to the Crime Survey for England and Wales, in the year ending March 2024 an estimated 4.8% of people aged 16 years and over (6.6% of women and 3.0% of men) experienced domestic abuse in the last year. This equates to an estimated 2.3 million adults (1.6 million women and 712,000 men).
Myth: The person being abused provoked the abuser.
Fact: No one deserves abuse. The perpetrator alone is responsible for their actions. Abuse or violence of any kind is never the fault of the victim.
Myth: Domestic abuse always involves physical violence.
Fact: Domestic abuse does not always involve physical violence. Domestic abuse can involve non-physical forms of abuse, such as controlling or coercive behaviour, economic abuse (any behaviour which has a considerable negative effect on the ability of the person being abused to access, use, or maintain money/property, or on their ability to obtain goods/services), and psychological or emotional abuse.
Myth: Alcohol and drugs are the cause of domestic abuse.
Fact: Although alcohol and drugs can make existing abuse worse, they are not the cause of domestic abuse. Many people use alcohol and/or drugs and do not abuse anybody. It shouldn't, therefore, be used as an excuse for abusive behaviour. The actions of the perpetrator are the responsibility of the perpetrator alone.
Myth: The relationship of the abuser with their partner does not have to affect their children.
Fact: Children can experience many and wide-ranging impacts from being in a family where domestic abuse is present. If a child hears, sees, or experiences any effects of domestic abuse, they are legally classed as a victim of domestic abuse. Children and young people may experience things like being hurt by trying to stop the abuse, being denied access to parts of their home, seeing people they love being injured and/or in distress, and not getting the care and support they need as a result of the abuse.
The impacts of domestic abuse can be wide-ranging and can have a significant impact on the person being abused. They can range from:
- depression
- repeated short term impacts on health including bruises, burns, cuts, broken bones, sexually transmitted diseases, and lost teeth and hair
- fear, anxiety and panic attacks
- loneliness or isolation
- a lack of confidence or self-esteem
- feelings of guilt or self-blame
- experiencing difficulties at work or in other relationships
- distorted sense of reality
- substance misuse, as an attempt to cope with circumstances
- trouble sleeping
Please remember that all of these reactions are normal, everybody reacts differently, and abuse is never the fault of the victim.
Listed below are some impacts of domestic abuse on children and young people.
For young children this can include:
- bed-wetting
- increased sensitivity and crying
- difficulty sleeping or falling asleep
- separation anxiety
For school-aged children this can include:
- an unwillingness to participate in activities and school
- lower achievement in school
- feeling guilty and to blame for the abuse happening to them
- getting into trouble more often
- physical signs such as headaches and stomach aches
For teenagers this can include:
- acting out in negative ways such as missing school or fighting with family members
- having low self-esteem
- finding it difficult to make friends
- engaging in risky behaviours such as using drugs and/or alcohol
If you are pregnant, your risk of domestic abuse is increased. This risk can also increase once you have given birth.
Domestic abuse can put you and your unborn child in danger. According to the NHS, it can increase the risk of miscarriage, infection, premature birth, and injury or death to the baby.
It can also cause mental health and emotional problems which can affect the development of the baby.
If you are pregnant and experiencing domestic abuse, talk to someone. You can speak in confidence to NHS staff such as your GP, midwife, obstetrician, health visitor, or social worker. You can also get help and support through Victims First.
If you are worried that you, or someone you know, may be at risk of domestic abuse, you can ask the police to check whether their current or ex-partner has a history of abusive or violent behaviour. This is known as making a ‘Right to Ask’ request under the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS).
The scheme, also known as Clare's Law, is named after Clare Wood who was murdered by her abusive ex-boyfriend in 2009. At the time, data protection laws had created a legal loophole which meant that abusers were able to keep their criminal records confidential. Following Clare’s death, her father Michael Brown began a campaign to challenge this law leading to the introduction of the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme in 2014.
Who can apply?
- Anyone aged 16 or over who is concerned about their own relationship.
- Anyone worried about someone else – for example a friend, family member, colleague or neighbour.
- Any professional, such as a social worker, health professional or support worker, who has concerns about a person at risk - while also following local safeguarding procedures.
- The scheme is open to people of any sex or gender, in any intimate relationship.
How to apply
You can make an application in any of the following ways:
- Apply online via Clare’s Law
- Online to Thames Valley Police
- Call 101 or visit a police station
What you'll be asked
You will be asked for:
- Your details, including whether you are applying for yourself or someone else.
- Details of the person at risk (this may be you, or the person you are applying for).
- Details of the person you want police to check.
- The nature of the relationship between the person at risk and the person you want the police to check.
- What is worrying you, and why.
- Safe contact details for you and, if appropriate, for the person at risk. The police will only use safe, agreed ways of contacting you. This is to avoid increasing risk.
After you apply, the police will carry out initial safeguarding checks and assess any risk. If they identify immediate risk of harm, they will take the necessary steps to keep the person at risk safe. If you are applying for yourself, the police will arrange a meeting with you (in person or by an agreed safe method).
If the police decide that a disclosure is appropriate, they will choose the safest and most appropriate person to receive it – usually the person at risk. If you applied on someone else’s behalf, you may not receive the disclosure yourself. Anyone who receives information will be asked to keep it confidential and use it only to protect those at risk.
The process should be completed within 28 days of your application.
Thames Valley Police has devised a leaflet on Clare's Law which contains more information about the scheme. A poster and social media graphic are also available. These can be downloaded and used by individuals and organisations.
- Women's Aid or Refuge for women
- Respect Men's Advice Line for men
- Galop for LGBTQ+
If you are thinking about leaving, make sure you are cautious about who you tell about your plans. It is important that the person abusing you does not know where you are going.
Make sure you have a safety plan in place before you go - Safety Planning Advice.
Women’s Aid has useful information on things to consider when leaving an abusive relationship.
If you have been a victim of domestic abuse you can access support by contacting Victims First or find your local domestic abuse service by searching in our service directory.
What happens if I telephone Victims First?
When you telephone Victims First, one of our friendly Victims First Officers will speak to you. (If they are unable to answer your call, please leave a message with a safe number to call you back.) Make sure you note Victims First’s opening hours first which are listed on this page.
The Victims First Officer will talk to you about any emotional or practical needs you may have, and then will help you access help and support. They may offer to refer you to specialist local organisations that have experience in supporting those who have experienced abuse, but no referrals will be made without your consent.
You can contact Victims First to access support regardless of whether you have reported the abuse to the police or not.
Why do people stay in an abusive relationship?
There are many reasons people stay in abusive relationships, and someone should never be blamed or feel responsible for staying.
- Someone might be scared to leave – they might fear the abuser will harm them, or people they love, if they leave.
- They might feel ashamed about the abuse – abusers often tell their victims that the abuse is their fault. However, it is important to remember that abuse is never the victim’s fault and only the perpetrator is responsible for their actions. Some people also fear the reaction of their family or community if they were to leave, for example their culture or faith may frown upon women who leave a marriage.
- Practical reasons - such as lack of money or insecure immigration status.
- Isolation – abusers often isolate the victim from their support network to control them.
- Hope – sometimes the abusive person might promise to change.
- Love - the victim may still love their abuser, despite the abuse, which can be very confusing for them.
- Children - some people may feel it is best for the children to stay in a stable home with both parents and may not understand that children are affected by the abuse, even if they don’t see it. The abusive partner may also have threatened to take or harm the children.
Is domestic abuse only ever experienced within marriages?
No, domestic abuse comes in many different forms, for instance a son may hit his mother or parents may try to force their daughter into an unwanted marriage. Anyone can be affected by domestic abuse - it is not related to where you live, your background or ethnicity.
What is ‘Honour-Based’ Abuse?
‘Honour-based abuse’ is a collection of practices used to control behaviour within families or other social groups to protect perceived cultural and religious beliefs and/or honour. This can occur when perpetrators perceive that a relative has shamed the family and/or community by breaking their honour code. For instance, family members may want their daughter or son to marry a particular person. If they refuse, the family may insist, become violent towards their daughter or son and in some cases, organise a marriage abroad and force their child to marry.
You can find out more on our Honour Based Abuse and Forced Marriage web page. If you need support around ‘Honour-based abuse’, you can contact Victims First.
My partner hasn’t hit me but he is mean to me and the children. Is this abuse?
Abusive people are often more emotionally abusive than physically abusive and some victims of abuse never or rarely experience physical violence. Emotional abuse can include insults, controlling behaviour, threats - sometimes to harm you and sometimes to harm themselves, tantrums and unpredictable behaviour. These forms of abuse can have long-lasting impacts on adults and children but they can sometimes be hard to recognise as abusive.
If you have any concerns about your relationship and whether it is abusive or something just doesn’t feel right, you can talk this through by contacting Victims First.
Why do I still love my partner?
The person you fell in love with probably wasn't abusive to you when you first fell in love with them. In fact, abusive partners often initially appear completely the opposite being charming, kind, attentive and eager to commit. As a result of this, normally people will see the non-abusive side of their partner as 'the real them' and the abusive side as not really them and something that may well have been caused by some kind of life experience. Sadly, however, the abusive part of them is as much a part of the 'real' them as the non-abusive part and sometimes more so. It can be that they are kind or do something nice as a means to an end rather than kindness for its own sake. Part of being able to deal with domestic abuse involves starting to accept that you can't have one part of this person without the other, unless they accept responsibility for their actions and get help through things such as perpetrator programmes to address their issues.
If you have any concerns about your relationship and whether it is abusive or something just doesn’t feel right, you can talk this through by contacting Victims First.
Is the abuse my fault?
No. Abuse is always the fault of the abuser, never the fault of the person being subjected to abuse. It is quite common for abusive people to blame the victim as a way of avoiding taking responsibility for their actions. It is normal for people in relationships to become irritated at times and to argue. It is not normal for one person to control, assault, manipulate and/or bully another and you are not to blame for this happening.
How do I take care of myself during this time?
There are lots of organisations you can reach out to who will help you talk through your situation and put in place support for you. It might also help you to have a safety plan put in place so you know what you can do to keep yourself safe. If you’re not ready to reach out for support just yet but want to take some time for you and help you process your experiences, you could try the following:
- If you are able to, take time and space for yourself each day. This could be something as small as getting up a few minutes earlier so that you have time that is completely yours at the start of the day.
- Treat yourself gently. Despite what you may have been led to believe, you are worthy of being loved. You deserve to feel happy and safe. Always be kind to yourself.
- Take regular exercise. If you can take time out of your day, regular exercise will give you time for yourself and help you build confidence. Try something you enjoy like swimming, dancing, walking or climbing.
- Learn a new skill or do something creative. Creative skills will give your mind a break and bring some calm into your day. You could try yoga, meditation, drawing, colouring or writing.
- Practice relaxation exercises. Simple breathing exercises like breathing in fully for five seconds, holding briefly and breathing out gently for five seconds will help you release tension from your body.
How do I talk to my children about the abuse?
As someone living in an abusive relationship, you have probably been trying to shield your children from abuse as much as possible. But research has shown that talking to children about what’s happening can help them to feel less worried, confused and angry. Talking to your children about abuse is not an easy task and if you have any concerns or worries, don’t hesitate to contact Victims First who will be able to help you. You can also check the advice on talking to your children about the abuse on the Women’s Aid website.
Do you have more questions about domestic abuse that were not answered here? Do you think you might be in an abusive relationship and would like someone to talk to? If so, please get in touch with Victims First.