Domestic Abuse
What is Domestic Abuse?
- physical or sexual abuse;
- violent or threatening behaviour;
- controlling or coercive behaviour;
- economic abuse;
- psychological, emotional or other abuse.
Who is affected:
- An estimated 4.8% of people aged 16 years and over (6.6% of women and 3.0% of men) experienced domestic abuse in the last year.
- This equates to an estimated 2.3 million adults (1.6 million women and 712,000 men).
- Approximately one in five (20.5%) people aged 16 years and over (9.9 million) had experienced domestic abuse since the age of 16 years.
- In addition, according to the Office for National Statistics, Domestic abuse-related crimes represented 15.8% of all offences recorded by the police in the year ending March 2024.
Domestic abuse can take many different forms
- Physical abuse: can include pushing, hitting, punching, kicking, choking and using weapons.
- Verbal abuse: the use of harsh or insulting language directed at a person. You might be called names or constantly put down by your partner
- Psychological abuse or mental abuse: when someone is subjected or exposed to a situation that can result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, depression or post-traumatic stress disorder.
- Sexual abuse: when you’re forced or pressured to have sex without your consent (rape), unwanted sexual activity, touching, groping or being made to watch pornography.
- Controlling and coercive behaviour: forms of emotional abuse. They often go together, but are slightly different.
Here you will find some questions that might be helpful to assist you to recognise Domestic Abuse in your own relationship. If you answer yes to any of the questions, you might be in an abusive relationship or experiencing Domestic Abuse.
Emotional abuse
Does your partner or someone you live with ever:
- belittle you, or put you down?
- blame you for the abuse or arguments?
- deny that abuse is happening, or downplay it?
- isolate you from your family and friends?
- stop you going to college or work?
- make unreasonable demands for your attention?
- accuse you of flirting or having affairs?
- tell you what to wear, who to see, where to go, and what to think?
- control your money, or not give you enough to buy food or other essential things?
- monitor your social media profiles, share photos or videos of you without your consent or use GPS locators to know where you are?
Threats and intimidation
Does your partner or someone you live with ever:
- threaten to hurt or kill you?
- destroy things that belong to you?
- stand over you, invade your personal space?
- threaten to kill themselves or the children?
- read your emails, texts or letters?
- harass or follow you?
Physical abuse
The person abusing you may hurt you in a number of ways.
Does your partner or someone you live with ever:
- slap, hit or punch you?
- push or shove you?
- bite or kick you?
- burn you?
- choke you or hold you down?
- throw things?
Sexual abuse
Sexual abuse can happen to anyone.
Does your partner or someone you live with ever:
- touch you in a way you do not want to be touched?
- make unwanted sexual demands?
- hurt you during sex?
- pressure you to have unsafe sex – for example, not using a condom?
- pressure you to have sex?
If anyone has sex with you when you do not want to, this is rape. It is still rape if that person is your partner.
- Have you ever felt afraid of your partner?
- Have you ever changed your behaviour because you're afraid of what your partner might do?
Other signs of Domestic Abuse
Physical and sexual assaults are not the only methods that abusers use to control the person they are abusing. Some other methods used by abusers are shown on the below Power and Control Wheel.
Myth 1: If it was that bad, the person being abused would leave.
Myth 2: Only women experience Domestic Abuse.
Myth 3: The person being abused provoked the abuser.
Myth 4: Domestic Abuse isn’t that common.
Myth 5: Domestic Abuse always involves physical violence.
Myth 6: Alcohol and drugs are the cause of Domestic Abuse.
Myth 7: The relationship of the abuser with their partner does not have to affect their children.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/myths/
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/bulletins/domesticabuseinenglandandwalesoverview/november2024
https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2021/17/part/1
https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/domestic-abuse#:~:text=Children%20who%20experience%20domestic%20abuse,signs%20of%20anxiety%20or%20fear
The impacts of Domestic Abuse can be wide-ranging and can have a significant impact on the person being abused. They can range from:
- Depression
- repeated short term impacts on health including bruises, burns, cuts, broken bones, sexually transmitted diseases, and lost teeth and hair.
- fear, anxiety and panic attacks
- loneliness or isolation
- a lack of confidence or self-esteem
- feelings of guilt or self-blame
- experiencing difficulties at work or in your other relationships
- distorted sense of reality
- substance misuse, as an attempt to cope with circumstances
- trouble sleeping
Please remember that all of these reactions are normal, everybody reacts differently, and abuse is never the fault of the victim.
Listed below are some impacts of Domestic Abuse on children and young people.
For young children this can include:
- Bed-wetting.
- Increased sensitivity and crying.
- Difficulty sleeping or falling asleep.
- Separation anxiety.
For school aged children this can include:
- A loss of drive to participate in activities and school.
- Lower grades in school.
- Feeling guilty and to blame for the abuse happening to them.
- Getting into trouble more often.
- Physical signs such as headaches and stomach aches.
For teenagers this can include:
- Acting out in negative ways such as missing school or fighting with family members.
- Having low self-esteem.
- Finding it difficult to make friends.
- Engaging in risky behaviours such as using alcohol and other drugs.
References: https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse/
https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/support-for-parents-and-carers/child-abuse-and-harm/children-affected-domestic-abuse-violence
https://www.bracknell-forest.gov.uk/crime-and-emergencies/crime-and-community-safety/domestic-abuse/effects-domestic-abuse
Domestic Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, or financial, and is often a combination of some or all of these.
If you are pregnant, your risk of domestic abuse is increased. This risk can also increase once you have given birth.
Domestic Abuse can put you and your unborn child in danger. According to the NHS, it can increase the risk of miscarriage, infection, premature birth, and injury or death to the baby.
It can also cause mental health and emotional problems which can affect the development of the baby.
If you are pregnant and experiencing domestic abuse, talk to someone. You can speak in confidence to NHS staff such as your GP, midwife, obstetrician, health visitor, or social worker. You can also get help and support through Victims First.
- Women's Aid or Refuge for women
- Respect Men's Advice Line for men
- Galop for LGBT+
If you are thinking about leaving, make sure you are cautious about who you tell about your plans. It is important that the person abusing you does not know where you are going.
Make sure you have a safety plan in place before you go. Please see further information regarding Safety Planning Advice
Women’s Aid has useful information on things to consider when leaving an abusive relationship: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/.
References: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/
If you have been a victim of domestic abuse you can access support by contacting Victims First or find your local domestic abuse service by searching in our service directory.
What happens if I telephone Victims First?
When you telephone Victims First, one of our friendly Victims First Officers will speak to you. (If they are unable to answer your call, please leave a message with a safe number to call you back.) Make sure you note Victims First’s opening hours first which are listed on this page.
The Victims First Officer will talk to you about any emotional or practical needs you may have, and then will help you access help and support. They may offer to refer you to specialist local organisations who have experience in supporting those who have experienced abuse, but no referrals will be made without your consent.
You are welcome to contact Victims First to access support if you have reported the Domestic Abuse to the police, or if you have not made contact with the police at all.
Why do people stay in an abusive relationship?
There are many reasons people stay in abusive relationships, and someone should never be blamed or feel responsible for staying.
- Someone might be scared to leave – they might fear the abuser will harm them if they leave.
- They might feel ashamed about the abuse – abusers often tell their victims that the abuse is their fault. However, it is important to remember that the abuse is never the victim’s fault and only the perpetrator is responsible for their actions. Some people also fear the reaction of their family or community if they were to leave, for example their culture or faith may frown upon women who leave a marriage.
- Practical reasons, such as lack of money or insecure immigration status
- Isolation – abusers often isolate the victim from their support network to control them.
- Hope – sometimes the abusive person might promise to change.
- Love - The person may love their abuser, which can be very confusing for them.
- Children - Some people may feel it is best for the children to stay in a stable home with both parents and may not understand that children are affected by the abuse, even if they don’t see it. The abusive partner may also have threatened to take or harm the children.
Is Domestic Abuse only ever experienced within marriages?
No, Domestic Abuse comes in many different forms, for instance a son may hit his mother or parents may try to force their daughter into an unwanted marriage. Anyone can be affected by Domestic Abuse, it is not related to where you live, your background or ethnicity.
What is ‘Honour-Based’ Abuse?
‘Honour based abuse’ is a collection of practices used to control behaviour within families or other social groups to protect perceived cultural and religious beliefs and/or honour. This can occur when perpetrators perceive that a relative has shamed the family and/or community by breaking their honour code. For instance, family members may want their daughter or son to marry a particular person. If they refuse, the family may insist, become violent towards their daughter or son and in some cases, organise a marriage abroad and force their child to marry.
You can find out more on our Honour Based Abuse and Forced Marriage web page. If you need support around, ‘Honour based abuse’, you can contact Victims First.
My partner hasn’t hit me but he is mean to me and the children. Is this abuse?
Abusive people are often more emotionally abusive than physically abusive and some victims of abuse never or rarely experience physical violence. Emotional abuse can include insults, controlling behaviour, threats - sometimes to harm you and sometimes to harm themselves, tantrums and unpredictable behaviour. These forms of abuse can have long-lasting impacts on adults and children but they can sometimes be hard to pin down as abusive.
If you have any concerns about your relationship and whether it is abusive or something just doesn’t feel right, you can talk this through by contacting Victims First.
Why do I still love my partner?
The person you fell in love with probably wasn't abusive to you when you first fell in love with them. In fact, abusive partners often initially appear completely the opposite being charming, kind, attentive and eager to commit. As a result of this, normally people will see the non-abusive side of their partner as 'the real them' and the abusive side as not really them and something that may well have been caused by some kind of life experience. Sadly, however, the abusive part of them is as much a part of the 'real' them as the non-abusive part and sometimes more so. It can be that they are kind or do something nice as a means to an end rather than kindness for its own sake. Part of being able to deal with domestic abuse involves starting to accept that you can't have one part of this person without the other, unless they accept responsibility for their actions and get help through things such as perpetrator programmes to address their issues.
If you have any concerns about your relationship and whether it is abusive or something just doesn’t feel right, you can talk this through by contacting Victims First.
Is the abuse my fault?
No. Abuse is always the fault of the abuser, never the fault of the person being subjected to abuse. It is quite common for abusive people to blame the victim as a way of avoiding taking responsibility for their actions. It is normal for people in relationships to become irritated at times and to argue. It is not normal for one person to control, assault, manipulate and/or bully another and you are not to blame for this happening.
How do I take care of myself during this time?
There are lots of organisations you can reach out to who will help you talk through your situation and put in place support for you . It might also help you to have a safety plan put in place so you know what you can do to keep yourself safe. If you’re not ready to reach out for support just yet but want to take some time for you and help you process your experiences, you could try the following:
- If you are able to, take time and space for yourself each day: This could be something as small as getting up a few minutes earlier so that you have time that is completely yours at the start of the day.
- Treat yourself gently: Despite what you may have been led to believe, you are worthy of being loved. You deserve to feel happy and safe. Always be kind to yourself.
- Take regular exercise: If you can take time out of your day, regular exercise will give you time for yourself and help you build confidence. Try something you enjoy like swimming, dancing, walking or climbing.
- Learn a new skill or do something creative: Creative skills will give your mind a break and bring some calm into your day. You could try yoga, meditation, drawing or writing.
- Practice relaxation exercises: Simple breathing exercises like breathing in fully for five seconds, holding briefly and breathing out gently for five seconds will help you release tension from your body.
How do I talk to my children about the abuse?
As someone living in an abusive relationship, you have probably been trying to shield your children from abuse as much as possible. But research has shown that talking to children about what’s happening can help them to feel less worried, confused and angry. Talking to your children about abuse is not an easy task and if you have any concerns or worries, don’t hesitate to contact Victims First who will be able to help you. You can also check the advice on talking to your children about the abuse on the Women’s Aid website.
Do you have more questions to do with Domestic Abuse that were not answered here? Do you think you might be in an abusive relationship and would like someone to talk to? If so, please get in touch with Victims First
References